Right now I am laying in bed, waiting for my eminent demise. I have not slept in two days, I literally ate two bites of my favorite brunch food, and cannot get any of my group project (due tomorrow) done. I have been staring at my computer for the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to do. I have cried enough to sink the titanic, and every time I think I've run out of tears, I cry some more. I cannot close my eyes despite my exhaustion because every time I do, I think of him. I cannot listen to music because every time I do, I hear him sing. I cannot glance at my phone, think about sports, or snuggle in bed without thinking about him. And the biggest mistake I've ever made.
The first guy I met and had a school girl crush on at school was Andrew. Andrew was wild, crazy, different. I loved the way he spoke his mind and told jokes that were really only funny to me. One day, I found out how Andrew was different. He did not tell lies. He was more and more truthful every day. I guess I loved that about him. After wrestling and fake fighting for a while, he came clean. Andrew's past girlfriend cheated on him for no reason.
I was horrified. Andrew was wonderful. Not only was he hilarious, but he was so down to Earth, so kind, and so respectful. He stated that he had no trust in girls because of her. And I believed him. I would not trust us either. I later wrote him a message saying that I was very sorry for his past, and that I would never hurt him intentionally. I left everything at friendship.
A few weeks later I invited Andrew to a date party thrown by my sorority. I specifically asked him as a friend because I knew that neither Aidan nor Al would be O.K. with going to a sorority party. Andrew and I raced each other to the busses, sat together, danced together, and talked all night long. As we were leaving the venue, I looked up at the sky and saw so many stars. They were beautiful. Once we got onto the bus and sat down, Andrew and I got as close to the window as possible and I stared wide eyed at the beautiful stars. As I took in all of the natural beauty, Andrew would point out all the stars and name them. At this point though my whole body was tingling from his touch, I stayed calm and did not dare to show my feelings.
After we got off the bus, we went to a local fast food place, and then to a different dorm where we talked for a few hours with some of the girls that were at the party. Andrew and I talked some more, started to fake fight again, and even played basketball with an empty cup and a garbage can. After we finished, we left. It was about 2 in the morning then.
When we got back, I went back to his room to watch silly youtube videos. We wound up talking for two hours about nothing, and I tried like hell not to touch him, and not to tell him how I felt. At about 4 in the morning, he threw a pair of his cheerleading shorts at me, and we watched Anchor Man.
During the movie, Andrew was tickling my skin. He did not try to seduce me, he did not try to kiss me on the lips, he just rubbed my skin where my shirt was not. As he softly breathed, he kissed me on the cheek before we both fell asleep. We woke up at about 1 in the afternoon, intertwined, and he stroked my cheek and hair. Before either of us said anything he kissed me on my forehead, and I smiled. I asked him only one thing that night, and only said one thing as he asked me the same question: "Why is this happening?"
"I don't know, but this was not supposed to happen."
I left at around 1:30 PM.
Later that day, I realized that my feelings for Andrew had returned, and no matter what, I could not get rid of them this time. Now, as I lay in bed for the second day in a row, crying, I believe I've made a mistake. I cannot turn back the time and fix what I've done. Though I wish I could.
I feel like utter crap. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot focus. All I can think about is talking to Andrew and dreading his responses to my simple questions. Though I know you do not read these things, Andrew, please, answer these two questions with pure honesty with no regards to my feelings shown above:
Was that night really a mistake?
How do you feel?
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