Liar Liar pants on FIRE! - Emily

For those of you who are completely grossed out by the fact that "Emily eats ketchup on everything - including ice cream", BRI MADE THAT UP! I do not, in fact, eat ice cream with ketchup. That is like eating spinach cookies. Or Broccoli tarts. Just. Plain. GROSS.

BUT! I do love Bri Dearly! Even though she enjoys to spread rumors about the fact that I eat ketchup on everything.

OH MY GOODNESS. HOLD ON ONE MINUTE WHILE I GO FIX THE PRINTER...

Twenty minutes later... I was called a whore as I fixed the printer. OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

So anyway.............

I guess this is going to be a scatter brained post because I have a lot to cover: I just have two things to say/describe.

First, I'd like to tell everyone that Bri is the most wonderful roommate in the whole wide world. I mean... I could have been stuck with some crazy from Jesus town Ohio... But instead I got Bri. Bri is truly wonderful... She honestly is the best roommate ever. She leaves dinner with me while I bleed out through my nose, she laughs at most of my jokes, she is not mad at me for living in a sorority next year, she loves me despite my craziness, she paints my nails, and she is the most down to earth woman I've ever met.

(Many of you may think I am saying this because Bri's post last night... but as I saw her through her tears this evening... She seemed more worried about my nose bleed than the stupid girl she was crying about.)

And for everyone who has broken her heart... You have no idea what you are missing. Bri happens to be the most beautiful woman in the world. She cares so much for you, even if you've done wrong. Even if you break her heart a million times, she will always love you. You all are ass holes for what you've done. You will never get anything better than her.

**********************************************************************************

Next: I have a story about last night....

So you know how my roommate is addicted to boobs?
Do you also know that I am well endowed?
WELL....

Last night, as I was changing into my pajamas, I (per usual) warned Bri that my shirt was coming off.  Instead of turning around, or replying okay, My lovely roommate decided to attack me.

Now, I am all for the love Bri decides to give me... But last night... it was a shit ton of love. She cornered me, and as I laughed hysterically and collapsed onto the floor, she groped me....

I started to whisper : RAPE!!!
Bri answered: ya! go ahead and call rape... who is gonna come save you....
I realized and stated: OH! right! no one here likes me that much.

We then collapsed into laughter.
Yup! This is my life and my DARLING roommate.

FML-Bri

My life is complicated.

"Guys I think I lost my credit card, where the hell is it???"
"Bri, it's in your hand"

Shit like this happens to me all the time. I don't know why.

Since school began nothing very interesting has happened to me (okay, I've only been here for 3 days) no fun times with Kayla, Pam, or Raymond.

Here are somethings I miss about last quarter:
Boobies
The L Word marathons
Lip Ring
Boobies
Warmth
Did I mention boobies?

Okay I should theme this post because I'm all over the place.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab on T.V the other night, and cringed when I heard Dr. Drew say one chick that she was addicted to love. I am.

Since I was 3 I've fallen in love over 50 times. Not stupid "that person is so cute! I love them!!", it was crying every night, take a bullet for them love. I don't know why but, when I fall, I fall hard. It doesn't matter who they are...boy, girl, short, tall, brown hair, blonde hair...I end up loving them. Right now, I think I'm in love with three people, two of whom I'm pretty sure do not love me back. I'll let you know how that goes. I should also mention I'm in love with my roommate, not the I wanna do you type. But i'm pretty sure if I get old and never get married, I will find her and marry her...no sexy business involved.

Here are some reasons why I love Emily:
She doesn't shave her whoo-ha

She eats everything with ketchup...including ice-cream

She doesn't pick her nose

She squints her eyes when she concentrates

She mirrors her special ed major more than anyone else I've seen

She naps at all hours of the day, and yells at me when I don't wake her up when she tells me telepathically

She is the whitest person in the world when she raps

She has huge tits that I play with sometimes

She repeats herself over three times

She has had more action than I have in months

She says out loud everything she writes

When she cries, she blubbers

She tells me she loves me every night

I know she'll be there whenever I need her...thats my favorite.

Em, I love you dearly.

DORM! - Emily

Tomorrow I go back to the dorm. I GET TO GO BACK TO ATHENS!!! I've officially been at my house for 6 agonizing weeks... I think its time for a recap!

Reasons why Athens is the best place on Earth!

1. No one is freaked out when you take a shower at 3:00 AM.
2. You don't have to make an effort to see friends
3. Everyone is still awake at 12:00 AM
4. 2:00 AM drunks.
5. Meals at the same time every day.
6. Meals at a normal time every day.
7. Roommates.
8. LESS SNOW.
9. It is socially acceptable to run up and down hallways screaming like a banshee between the hours of 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM on weekdays and 10:00 AM to 12:00 AM on the weekends. (In fact it is generally perfered)
10. There is always hot water.
11. There is always water pressure.
12. Shower parties.
13. The internet actually works.
14. THE PEOPLE!
15. My social life.

I think it's just safe to say that Athens is the best place on Earth... rather than extending this list....

House Life - Emily

While I'd rather be at school in the dorms with my friends right this minute, I'd like to highlight a few things I've discovered about myself during this long and agonizing break.

Every day, I set an alarm to wake myself up at around 9: am. Every day I somehow turn off that alarm. I know I use my fingers. I know I probably groan, roll over, and press the "off" button on my obnoxiously loud, ear shattering alarm clock. Too bad I wake up two hours later when I am already late for a very important meeting.

How does this happen? I have NO idea. This past week, I have missed every important meeting known to man kind, I have slept through seagulls, roosters, planes, rocket ships, Eric Clapton, and 'ring tone number 5', and somehow jerked awake at 12:00 noon exactly. I have managed to turn off both of my alarm clocks in my sleep. I have no idea how this happens.

I sabotage myself in my sleep. 

The second thing I've learned about myself is that I cannot make a BM at home... I have no idea how this happens. It is fairly simple to push the brown bear our of his cage, and I have never been shy to desecrate the throne room, even in public. I know that dropping a load is completely natural. But I just cannot possibly drop the kids off at the pool at home!

Because I cannot give a sacrifice to the porcelain gods, I am officially convinced that the university puts laxatives in our cafeteria food.

I poop more at school than at home. 

Lastly, I'd like to highlight the fact that I really do not like being away from Athens. I mean I love my friends and family. But I love my OU family more. They know about everything. They love everything. They don't care if I snore, swear, or if I need to have a breakdown in the middle of the hallway. They laugh at all my stupid jokes and I definitely cannot wait the 14 hours until I get to see each and every one of them.

Guest Post - Eliza

Hello, Nightlife Readers, whoever you are! I am Eliza, and Emily is my better half. She invited me to do a guest post, and the at first, I couldn't decide what to post about, but recent circumstances have led me to the perfect topic:

Christmas Shopping.

Yes, I know that this is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year." And I'm not trying to be cynical about the holidays, but there are some things that are stressful. 

My mom, for example. I love her to death. My sister, my mom and I are all extremely close. However, my mom is a jokester. She likes to be snarky and sarcastic. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and her response?

"Stricter punishment for parole violaters. And... World Peace!"
Yes. She quoted Miss Congeniality. What am I supposed to do with that? 

When I pressured my darling 17 year old sister whom I love so very much about what she wanted, her response was "I like clothes and shoes. Size medium, and 7.5."

Thanks, sis. I'll get right on that. You're picky and hard to please when it comes to clothing and shoes, so this will be a snap. 
(I found a good gift for her at Target, but I won't spill here.)

Now to Andrew, my brother, age 25. He wants a gift card so he can go get a manicure. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, but I got him a giftcard last year. I'd rather get him something more personal... but we'll see.

Andrew says that his boyfriend Stephan loves plants. Plants? Plants seem like a weird thing to get someone for Christmas... Was he sure? Andrew said yes, yes get Stephan a nice plant! I am still hesitant, because I really like Stephan, and I don't want him to think that I didn't get him something personal or cheap... but ok, I'll get Stephan a plant or two.

(I found 2 very intriguing varieties at a local florist. Andrew assured me that Stephan will LOVE them, they are sexy, and will look great by their large bay window. I am still unsure, but I have confidence in my brother.)

My dad told me to get my future stepmom clear nail polish and bubble bath, because that is what she wants. Hmmmm. I am not sure how comfortable I am buying bubble bath for her. Can I stick to a book or something? You're really making me feel uncomfortable... No? No books? Alright... bubble bath it is. (I am shuddering internally.)

Family, I love you. And I love finding things for you (in retrospect). Can I ask one favor though? Next year, can you please give me straightforward ideas? Or at least come to me in a dream or something with an idea of that ever-elusive "perfect gift?"

I'd really appreciate it. 

Peace, love, and patience to all you blog-readers for this holiday season!

Why Is This My Life? - Emily

So true story... I've been hanging out with Al over winter break. He is actually really nice. I never thought we would be friends... But here we are about 2 months later and we enjoy each other's company. This blog post is not really about him...though it may seem that way in the beginning. This post is about how dumb some comments/situations can be....


One day I went to visit Al and here is how the scene unraveled: 


Emily walks into Al's house, kisses and pets the dog. Al meets her at the door. There is a quick embrace. Then conversation ensues. 


AL: Are you allergic to dogs?
EMILY THINKS TO HERSELF: Uh. I just rubbed my face in your dog's fir and I'm deathly allergic to dogs...
EMILY: No, But I am allergic to cats.


Al thinks for a moment. 


AL: Seriously?
EMILY THINKS TO HERSELF: No! I was just shitting you... I just wanted to see your face when I said it!
EMILY: Yes.


Slight Pause. 


AL: So What should I do?
EMILY THINKS TO HERSELF: Put the cats up to my face. PLEASE! I'm begging you.
EMILY: As long as I don't touch them... I'll be ok. I promise.


AL: Well... there's one good thing about all of this! My room is the only place in the house the cats cannot go!
EMILY THINKS TO HERSELF: Oh my god! Does it look like I care very much. Just don't let your cats touch me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Basically, this is not the only time I've had to deal with difficult people. Take Last month for example:


I received an apology letter from Tyler last month. I am going line by line correcting grammar and such. Because you should at least reread something you believe is so important. The statements in all capital letters are my responses, the bold is the corrected sentence.




I don’t expect you to response to this or,to be quite honest with you, read it at all. 
Honestly, I don't expect you to respond or read this.
BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE? BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART, OR BECAUSE THIS GRAMMAR WILL BREAK MY HEART?


However, I felt that I just needed to get this off my chest. 
But, I just needed to get this off my chest.
NO COMMENT...


We haven’t talked in a while and I know that it is 100% my fault. 
DUH... OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT IF YOU EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT TALKING TO ME...


I guess I just wanted to let you know that I am still terrible sorry for what happened. 
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I am still terribly sorry for what happened.
YOU ARE TERRIBLE SORRY? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE. I AM TERRIBLE SORRY FOR YOUR GRAMMAR, AND YOUR PAST ENGLISH TEACHERS.


I would love to be able to be friends with you and be able to talk again. 
I want to be friends and talk again.
HAHA. FRIENDSHIP OVER ASSHOLE. 


However, I understand that, that may not be possible.  
However, I understand that it may not be possible.
YOU'RE RIGHT ON THAT ONE. I ACTUALLY COULD LIVE WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE FOREVER AND NEVER SHED A TEAR.


I made a huge mistake and I admit it I fucked up real bad and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about how much of an asshole I was and how bad I feel about it. 
I know I made a huge mistake and I really fucked up. There isn't a day when I don't think about how much of an asshole I was.
UHHHH...RUN ON SENTENCE. THIS SENTENCE MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM YOU.


I never intended on hurting you and I am still sorry for what I did. 
It was not my intention to hurt you, and I am still more than sorry for what happened.
YA. SURE. THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY DID I CRY? 


It was not fair, nice, or necessary in anyway what so ever. 
My treatment of you was not fair, nice, or necessary.
RIGHT.... THEN WHY'D YOU DO IT?


I hate not being able to be friends with you. 
I hate not being friends with you.
YOU KINDA FUCKED YOURSELF OVER THEN....


Then again, I bought it upon myself. 
But, then again, I brought this upon myself.
YOU BOUGHT IT UPON YOURSELF? WELL I'D WANT TO RETURN THIS PURCHASE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. BUT DONT FORGET THE RECEIPT! 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Lastly, though I love my brother to pieces, sometimes he makes me want to smash his skull into a concrete wall. Lets take a few nights ago....


Because it was my birthday, I was treated to some sips of beer with my dinner. While I know from experience, that I can hold my liquor very well, my brother took a sip and continued to act like he was drunk the whole entire night. 


He swayed as he walked around the dog, tried to force me into thinking he was drunk, and he even took a shower at three in the morning. 


He was convinced he was drunk. Mind you, he is 160 pounds, to my 120 pounds. He is also full from a pasta dinner. 


Also I gave him a sip of the glass without beer in it. 


Why is this my life?

Trip TO Florida! - Emily

So I guess the blog has joined the mile high club since I am more then a mile in the air. I am on my way to the beautiful, breathtaking Florida. I am very excited to leave the bone chilling 32 degree weather for the nice hot and humid temperature of.... *drum roll* .... 50 degrees. FAHRENHEIT! Now don't get me wrong, I am more than excited to leave Cleveland for three days and have my grandparents spoil me rotten, but would it hurt to sit me next to a tragically beautiful man? Not that this lovely man who I have not said a word to this whole flight isn't wonderful.....


I guess I am going to finish this post with the fact that I hate the "no joke zone" rules. While I like to think of myself as a hilarious young lady, I am sure even MY jokes would not be permitted during a high security checkpoint. Instead of getting myself in trouble, I have decided to list the awful jokes I would have made while waiting in line for inspection.


1. As I passed through the metal detector, I wanted to look up at the guy and ask, "well... Did I pass?"




2. There were two TSA workers with the name Elliott... Are all TSA workers named Elliott?


3. Lastly, I'd like to thank TSA for taking every one's nail clippers. I was really nervous about her giving the pilot a manicure. Really.