Epiphanies of a Queer Jewess

I've always wished I was super cool and trendy but blissfully unaware of how cool I really was. This is not the case. I assure you.

It's me ya'll!

However, I am learning who I am. This fact in itself is pretty darn cool. It's been a while since I've written so I'm going to have to back track a bit.


If winter quarter was april showers, then spring quarter is may flowers. In fact May has been a beyond amazing month so far, and we're only on the eighth day! During the beginning of spring I was feeling a bit down and I wanted to connect to something, someone, anything really. My BFF Katie convinced me to go to a Christian Bible study. (Just so we're clear, I've been raised jewish...bat mitzvah and all) I've always considered myself to be open minded and I believe being open minded means you try to give everything and everyone a chance. Bible study was very interesting and I'm glad I went because during it I looked inside myself and realized that I'm jewish through and through and christianity just wasn't for me.


The second time I realized this was when I decided to attend a Passover Seder at Hillel (aka the building where you can find all the jews on a college campus). There was a twist to this Seder, it was all women and followed a feminist format. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!? It was amazing, so many powerful college jewish women gathered around a table reading about standing up for women and gay people and eating a vegetarian meal. I felt totally connected and in awe of the sacred beauty of two of my biggest spiritual connections, feminism and judaism.

Via Hella Gloire

This leads to my next epiphany. Chris. Chris blows my mind every I talk to her, she has expanded my world in unbelievable proportions. I met Chris last quarter, in where else but group therapy. (OH HEY YA'LL IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW "BEING ERICA" PLEASE DO SO!) At the time we met I was in a lackluster relationship with Raymond, who I love dearly, but just not as a boyfriend anymore. I was also still mourning Kayla's jump back into the straight world. Chris had a girlfriend, but she made my stomach spin every time she opened her mouth during our sessions. There was something about Chris that I fell in love with the moment I laid eyes on her. Winter quarter ended and so did group, I was sad to leave for many reasons, but especially because I didn't know if I would see Chris again. We were friends on facebook and we began to message back and forth. Eventually we exchanged numbers and met up at an LGBT dance. She introduced me to all of her friends as her "friend Bri, who is just wonderful!". I think I fell asleep beaming. Her girlfriend and her broke up, Raymond and I broke up. We continued to talk and hang out, she drag me out of my dorm more than I'd ever left it before! We went to pride week events, International Film Festival movies together, she gave me books like Rubyfruit Jungle, I was amazed by her depth and maturity. Each time I saw her I never wanted to leave. Finally after last weekend when we met each other's mothers I knew I wanted to tell her how I felt. She felt the same, and the next day she kissed me.

Via Effindykes

Chris is a senior. She's graduating in three short weeks. I am trying to take things one step at a time and I don't want to fall in love again like I did with Kayla, but it's going to take all I have not to.


In the last month or so I've realized I'm totally a Queer Jewess, and I never want the month of May to end.

Via Effindykes

Long Lost Love-Bri

I know they are out there. 
At least I'm fairly sure they are.


Have you ever believed in something? I mean not the kind of "I believed in Santa as a kid" but "I believe in creationism or evolution" kind of belief.


Well I believe with my whole entire heart that there is someone out there for me. I believe the love of my life is waiting with the same belief that I'm here for them.


I don't know why I think about this...obsess about this, but I have since I can remember. When I was younger I used to have dreams of finding a person like this, I felt better than I ever have in my entire life. I remember trying to skip school just to keep dreaming that wonderful dream.


I'm not sure why this is, or if I'm the only one who has such a strong desire for the perfect love. It kind of gets in the way of my life, so if you do I'm sorry! I've rejected so many people because I just don't feel that connection. I watch t.v. shows and movies and see people fake those connections so flawlessly, I wish I could fake as easily as them. 


I'm 20, I'm young, and for the first time in my life I don't know what I want...all I know is I want something.


I crave the feeling of looking after someone, yet I've never had someone to look after me. I've thought about looking on dating sites, I get advice like "put yourself out there" I've tried harder than anything to do this. I've tried losing weight, changing my hair, changing my clothes...people say "Bri, you are beautiful" If I'm beautiful, and so great, where are all the possible suitors. I see my friends get people like it's nothing...here I am lonely. 


At the moment I've decided to give Raymond another chance, but do I feel loved? Not really... Do I feel that connection I crave? Not really... I love him, but what kind of love is it? I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!


life.


Bri