The Mysterious Incident of the Piss In the Nighttime

The only way to describe my wake up call is through a sequence of events.


5:15 a.m.- I am awoken by a strange noise. I rub my eyes to find someone stumbling around the room, at first I think it is Em who had an interesting night and spoke of sleeping on the bean bag. Then I think it is our friend and neighbor Karly come to show me something. This person, or girl rather, then sits stumbles her way to sitting on my bed right next to me. It isn't until that point that I see this girl has her pants/panties pulled down.


"EXCUSE ME! YOU ARE ON MY BED!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"


5:17 a.m.- I begin to hear a strange trickling noise. HOLY SHIT! This strange girl is now peeing....on my bed! Right next to me!!! I am paralyzed by shock I cannot move, she is not listening to me, all I can do is...


"EM!?" "DO YOU HEAR THAT" "A RANDOM GIRL IS IN OUR ROOM" "SHE IS PEEING ON MY BED!!!!"

5:17:30 a.m- Em Jumps off of her bed in such quickness, the likes of which I have never expected from her. She runs up and stands in front of the girl (who has by now gotten off of my bed and pulled her pants up, at least she has that decency)


"HELLO?!" Em stares at her.
"Hi" Says this girl in a neanderthal-esque voice.
 Em suddenly takes a new tone now that she is finally responding "Sweetie, where are you supposed to be?"
No response.
I'm thinking that this girl may puke, why not she just pissed in here? So I quickly tell Em to please get this girl out of our room before she can do anymore damage. Em rushes to the door as the extremely disoriented girl stumbles about the room some more (stepping in her own urine and tracking it on the carpet). The door steps out through the open door way, and closes the door behind herself.


5:18 a.m.- As Em and I stare at each other in awe we see the same girl walk down the hall in a different direction that she left in. Em goes to follow her to make sure she is okay, but the girl walks out a door leading to the outside stairwell.


"Well thats what we get the one night we don't lock our door..." I say.
I begin to laugh frantically, in uncontrollable boughts of giggles.
"A girl just pissed on my bed...did that really just happen"
Honestly this all just felt like a really weird vivid bad dream. Nope, it really happened.


5:20 a.m- Em and I stare at the puddle below my bed, and the large damp spot on my sheet. For a second I think Em is going to cry. Then she looks at me and we both break into laughter. This is just too unbelievable for words.


"What do we do now?"


"She peed on my book!?"


"She peed on my computer/cord!!"


"She peed on my water bottle...Em you are getting me a new one"


Then in unison "SHE PEED ON THE CRASH MAT!" Damn. Thats low.


5:30 a.m.-We talked about maybe throwing down a shit ton of lysol wipes and throwing down a bunch of paper towels, but we decided that might take too long. We were left with the option of waking up our RA at 5:30 in morning. We love our RA to death so waking her up unexpectedly wasn't really our favorite idea, we decided to make sure that RA was in fact the one on duty.


5:50 a.m.-We figured out that our RA was the one to go to. We knocked oh her door until she answered, she was swollen with sleep.


"Uh Jay we had a...uh...incident a little while ago..."
"Yeah a chick pissed on her bed!!!"


6 a.m-Jay figured the only thing to do was wait till 7a.m. to call maintenance. Em and I thanked her and watched her go back to her room.


6:05 a.m.- Em and I hear a knock on the door...I'm expecting piss girl, but instead it's Jay. She inadvertently locked herself out when she came to see the damage.  


6:05-7:05- Em, Jay and I spend an hour laughing at our situation and the fact that it's 6am on a saturday morning.


7:05- We hear the jangling of keys, meaning one thing SOMEONE IS GOING TO CLEAN THE PEE OFF OF OUR FLOOR! 


8:00- There is no way to go to bed still because I still have to wash my sheets, so I sit and write this blog.


9:30 a.m.- I find the girl on Facebook and realize she is a sister of a girl Mel down the hall from us. We see Mel's roommate and inform her of the events of the night before (this is while emily is scrubbing the life out of our pee drenched carpet)


10:00 a.m.- The girl finds us and apologizes, she says she was sleep-walking and that she has a disorder. She seemed genuinely embarrassed about it.  All is well


Obviously this night will follow me for years to come. I'm sure Em will mention it at my wedding someday. Lovely.


Oh and on a side note- Bad things happen to me in threes, because after this incident I ran into a crush on mine and spilled milk all over myself. Later I was washing the dirty pee sheets and Kayla's college tour came through the laundry room...AKWARD!

Liar Liar pants on FIRE! - Emily

For those of you who are completely grossed out by the fact that "Emily eats ketchup on everything - including ice cream", BRI MADE THAT UP! I do not, in fact, eat ice cream with ketchup. That is like eating spinach cookies. Or Broccoli tarts. Just. Plain. GROSS.

BUT! I do love Bri Dearly! Even though she enjoys to spread rumors about the fact that I eat ketchup on everything.

OH MY GOODNESS. HOLD ON ONE MINUTE WHILE I GO FIX THE PRINTER...

Twenty minutes later... I was called a whore as I fixed the printer. OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

So anyway.............

I guess this is going to be a scatter brained post because I have a lot to cover: I just have two things to say/describe.

First, I'd like to tell everyone that Bri is the most wonderful roommate in the whole wide world. I mean... I could have been stuck with some crazy from Jesus town Ohio... But instead I got Bri. Bri is truly wonderful... She honestly is the best roommate ever. She leaves dinner with me while I bleed out through my nose, she laughs at most of my jokes, she is not mad at me for living in a sorority next year, she loves me despite my craziness, she paints my nails, and she is the most down to earth woman I've ever met.

(Many of you may think I am saying this because Bri's post last night... but as I saw her through her tears this evening... She seemed more worried about my nose bleed than the stupid girl she was crying about.)

And for everyone who has broken her heart... You have no idea what you are missing. Bri happens to be the most beautiful woman in the world. She cares so much for you, even if you've done wrong. Even if you break her heart a million times, she will always love you. You all are ass holes for what you've done. You will never get anything better than her.

**********************************************************************************

Next: I have a story about last night....

So you know how my roommate is addicted to boobs?
Do you also know that I am well endowed?
WELL....

Last night, as I was changing into my pajamas, I (per usual) warned Bri that my shirt was coming off.  Instead of turning around, or replying okay, My lovely roommate decided to attack me.

Now, I am all for the love Bri decides to give me... But last night... it was a shit ton of love. She cornered me, and as I laughed hysterically and collapsed onto the floor, she groped me....

I started to whisper : RAPE!!!
Bri answered: ya! go ahead and call rape... who is gonna come save you....
I realized and stated: OH! right! no one here likes me that much.

We then collapsed into laughter.
Yup! This is my life and my DARLING roommate.

FML-Bri

My life is complicated.

"Guys I think I lost my credit card, where the hell is it???"
"Bri, it's in your hand"

Shit like this happens to me all the time. I don't know why.

Since school began nothing very interesting has happened to me (okay, I've only been here for 3 days) no fun times with Kayla, Pam, or Raymond.

Here are somethings I miss about last quarter:
Boobies
The L Word marathons
Lip Ring
Boobies
Warmth
Did I mention boobies?

Okay I should theme this post because I'm all over the place.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab on T.V the other night, and cringed when I heard Dr. Drew say one chick that she was addicted to love. I am.

Since I was 3 I've fallen in love over 50 times. Not stupid "that person is so cute! I love them!!", it was crying every night, take a bullet for them love. I don't know why but, when I fall, I fall hard. It doesn't matter who they are...boy, girl, short, tall, brown hair, blonde hair...I end up loving them. Right now, I think I'm in love with three people, two of whom I'm pretty sure do not love me back. I'll let you know how that goes. I should also mention I'm in love with my roommate, not the I wanna do you type. But i'm pretty sure if I get old and never get married, I will find her and marry her...no sexy business involved.

Here are some reasons why I love Emily:
She doesn't shave her whoo-ha

She eats everything with ketchup...including ice-cream

She doesn't pick her nose

She squints her eyes when she concentrates

She mirrors her special ed major more than anyone else I've seen

She naps at all hours of the day, and yells at me when I don't wake her up when she tells me telepathically

She is the whitest person in the world when she raps

She has huge tits that I play with sometimes

She repeats herself over three times

She has had more action than I have in months

She says out loud everything she writes

When she cries, she blubbers

She tells me she loves me every night

I know she'll be there whenever I need her...thats my favorite.

Em, I love you dearly.

DORM! - Emily

Tomorrow I go back to the dorm. I GET TO GO BACK TO ATHENS!!! I've officially been at my house for 6 agonizing weeks... I think its time for a recap!

Reasons why Athens is the best place on Earth!

1. No one is freaked out when you take a shower at 3:00 AM.
2. You don't have to make an effort to see friends
3. Everyone is still awake at 12:00 AM
4. 2:00 AM drunks.
5. Meals at the same time every day.
6. Meals at a normal time every day.
7. Roommates.
8. LESS SNOW.
9. It is socially acceptable to run up and down hallways screaming like a banshee between the hours of 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM on weekdays and 10:00 AM to 12:00 AM on the weekends. (In fact it is generally perfered)
10. There is always hot water.
11. There is always water pressure.
12. Shower parties.
13. The internet actually works.
14. THE PEOPLE!
15. My social life.

I think it's just safe to say that Athens is the best place on Earth... rather than extending this list....

House Life - Emily

While I'd rather be at school in the dorms with my friends right this minute, I'd like to highlight a few things I've discovered about myself during this long and agonizing break.

Every day, I set an alarm to wake myself up at around 9: am. Every day I somehow turn off that alarm. I know I use my fingers. I know I probably groan, roll over, and press the "off" button on my obnoxiously loud, ear shattering alarm clock. Too bad I wake up two hours later when I am already late for a very important meeting.

How does this happen? I have NO idea. This past week, I have missed every important meeting known to man kind, I have slept through seagulls, roosters, planes, rocket ships, Eric Clapton, and 'ring tone number 5', and somehow jerked awake at 12:00 noon exactly. I have managed to turn off both of my alarm clocks in my sleep. I have no idea how this happens.

I sabotage myself in my sleep. 

The second thing I've learned about myself is that I cannot make a BM at home... I have no idea how this happens. It is fairly simple to push the brown bear our of his cage, and I have never been shy to desecrate the throne room, even in public. I know that dropping a load is completely natural. But I just cannot possibly drop the kids off at the pool at home!

Because I cannot give a sacrifice to the porcelain gods, I am officially convinced that the university puts laxatives in our cafeteria food.

I poop more at school than at home. 

Lastly, I'd like to highlight the fact that I really do not like being away from Athens. I mean I love my friends and family. But I love my OU family more. They know about everything. They love everything. They don't care if I snore, swear, or if I need to have a breakdown in the middle of the hallway. They laugh at all my stupid jokes and I definitely cannot wait the 14 hours until I get to see each and every one of them.